i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
