So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
