Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
