please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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