mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Randomize
