whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
He better not be in your backpack
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
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