I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
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