Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
