I am in a vortex of obligation.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
