A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
So many bounce houses so little time
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
