Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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