Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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