Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Randomize
