A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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