Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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