JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
