I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize