I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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