Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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