Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
