i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
