my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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