I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
