I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
