Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
