my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
not ubering you a puppy
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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