you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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