he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
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I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
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He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I forget how to act sober
Randomize