dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
