Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Randomize
