I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
