i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
