Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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