Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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