I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Is Oprah even human
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
