Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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