Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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