the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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