you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
