apparently the secret to your success is patron
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
