Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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