How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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