Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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