GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
