I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
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The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
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Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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