Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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