how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
