paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
