I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize