just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
