I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
