they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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