I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
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