Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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