just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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