also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
