He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
