I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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