i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
