I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
