in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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