I wish they made helmets for livers.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
